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Here is a list of prominent preachers, along with a semi-satirical summary of their views. Please note that I greatly respect and esteem several of these pastors, and am not mocking them. A few of them I do not respect or esteem, and may be mocking.
John Piper
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*Says every word like it's the most important thing ever.*
"Don't find pleasure in worldly things—instead, serve Jesus. Don't waste your life playing video games, watching television, or picking up seashells." [Crowd laughs, then realizes he's serious.]
"Oh, and my favorite analogy of God's grace is those little mints at Olive Garden."
Timothy Keller
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"The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. Oh, and it's fine to add a bit of pagan religion to Christianity.”
John MacArthur
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"Wrong. [insert practice] is an abomination. Period. Here are twenty Bible verses to back up my claim."
Andy Stanley
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"[insert really great and true statement] But we don't need the Old Testament. It's not as if it's part of the Bible, right? [smiles nervously] Right?"
Jeff Patterson
"Jesus is our God and savior, and we are saved through him alone [quotes other pastor]. Write it down, son. I'm not going to tell you my stance on [insert not-quite-essential issue] because that's not what my job is. Write it down, son."
Benny Hinn
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"Miracles happen. Example: give me money, and I'll knock you flat—I mean heal you. Okay, that's not true. I'm sorry. But still, remember to tithe."
Joel Osteen
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"Just feel good about yourself, because Jesus came because we could have money and fancy cars and private jets and huge book sales. And I think Mormons are Christians. It's not like they believe really different and crazy things, right?"
Kenneth Copeland
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"Give me money, and you will get a hundredfold of Heaven. Keep tithing, even if you lose your jobs. Plus, I've rebuked COVID, so don't worry about that. And remember, my ministry is non-profit."
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