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Devolving Train of Thought II


  1. Thomas Paine’s pamphlet Common Sense helped to spark the American Revolution.

  2. “Hyacinths are my favorite flowers.”

  3. I do ordain that I will no longer be forced to do these Vocabulary Worksheets.

  4. Beethoven was a musical prodigy.

  5. Daguerreotypes were the first widely available photographs.

  6. That mahogany piano is so beautiful.

  7. As a wise man once said, “Astronomical!”

  8. “Your eminence, given that sneezes are more common than murders...”

  9. “The occasion is that his eminence has recovered from the flu.”

  10. “The furrier is at the door, your eminence. He is so happy that you have gotten better!”

  11. “That hooligan? I will not allow that man in my house again!”

  12. “Letting furriers into one’s house is a pernicious habit.”

  13. “But he is your colleague!”

  14. He chortled.

  15. “That man is a public enemy. Besides, he probably has tuberculosis!”


  1. “Why, just last week he sabotaged my anti-virus flamethrower that could be used internally!”

  2. He took the news that his COVID-seeking missiles had been destroyed with aplomb.

  3. “He is the leader of a whole liaison of flamethrower-saboteurs.”

  4. “Your Eminence, the furrier has just destroyed the synagogue!”

  5. “And he is a quisling too, correct?”

  6. “How did you know, your eminence? Oh, and I have a hemorrhage from my head.”

  7. “Let us sing the National Anthem in honor of our dear hemorrhaged friend.”

  8. “Your eminence, the furrier has arrived to deliver an eulogy.”

  9. “Must I suffer the ignominy of having that man at my door?”

  10. “Your eminence, shall I catalogue all the crimes that furrier has committed?”

  11. He denounced the idea, saying that it would be a waste to cut down the entire Amazon just to bring one man to justice.

  12. “You are certainly not taciturn, your eminence!”

  13. “How would you like your skull to be just another relic in my room?”

  14. “I am sorry, your eminence, for unabashedly speaking my mind.”

  15. The axe his eminence used to decapitate her certainly did not fit the stereotype.


  1. “I shall have to confiscate your axe, Mr. Eminence.”

  2. “Why? Is it too extravagant?”

  3. “No. Though it is a rather fancy design—Semitic or Japanese. I am confiscating it because you killed your maid with it.”

  4. “I exterminated her because she was rude to me.”

  5. “If that is the truth, then the electric chair is but a prelude to your real troubles.”

  6. “What if I only beheaded her ostensibly? That is, I only pretended to kill her?”

  7. “Even if you did, you jeopardized your soul by doing so.”

  8. “I should have done it more clandestinely.”

  9. “Even then, some incriminating evidence would have turned up, your Eminence.”

  10. “I still don’t know why you are arresting me. I struck her in the neck, not in the nucleus of the head.”

  11. “You killed her, and that’s what matters. Besides, you do not eat kosher.”

  12. “Genealogically, my family is very important, so you can’t arrest me.”

  13. “It doesn’t matter how important your family is, the law is the law.” [added]

  14. “My father was a doctor. He even performed an appendectomy once!”

  15. “As I said before, the law is the law.” [added]

  16. “Where did you get that insignia?”

  17. “From the Chief of Police. He is quite minuscule, so he stood on a ladder to pin it on my chest.”


  1. “My notary is here. He will arrest you!”

  2. “Unfortunately, notaries are not ubiquitous. He has no authority to perform an arrest.”

  3. “My father, the doctor, owned at least twenty stethoscopes. Is that not a distinction?”

  4. “Yes. Now, my decrepit friend, we must head to the station.”

  5. “My sister has several children, who are contingent upon me, and if I am arrested, they shall starve!

  6. “Oh, and my father gave several different diagnoses over his career.”

  7. “If you regarded him and yourself as less sacrosanct, you would go without trouble, Mr. Eminence.”

  8. “Your Eminence, you were incorrect! The furrier does not have tuberculosis. He has pleurisy.”

  9. “Close enough. He has probably now destroyed the gymnasium as well, thanks to your blundering!”

  10. “Yes, your Eminence, and he also burned down a cellophane factory!”

  11. “Sir, if you do not come with me at once, you shall go not to the prison, but the penitentiary!”

  12. “You had better back that up with a predication from, uh, someone in charge, or I will exercise my, um, first amendment right!”

  13. “You obviously do not understand the court system any more than you understand the effusion of water from a broken pipe!”

  14. “Oh, but you're wrong there, for my uncle was a plumber, one of the best.” He then turned to the messenger and said, “I hope that rascal develops influenza as well!”

  15. As his Eminence was carried unconscious to the squad car by the constables, the sky was suffused by shades of red.


  1. His Eminence sat up groggily. “Sir, I have someone for you to arrest. He’s a furrier, name of Smyth. He has destroyed countless buildings and businesses around town. He also destroyed some artillery of mine a few years back, along with a flamethrower and missile rack in the past few weeks. He is a public enemy!”

  2. “Reporting Mr. Smyth seems to be a recurring thing with you. You’ve reported him seven times in the past five years. However, all of the charges are absurd. And it is illegal for you to own artillery, flamethrowers, or missiles.”

  3. “Aren’t you going to do anything about the demolitions of businesses?” his Eminence asked.

  4. “No, because he hasn’t demolished anything. Your accusations evoke memories of that crook who accidentally filmed his own crime.”

  5. “You must arrest him! I believe he is in the anteroom of the local theatre at this very moment!”

  6. “There’s nothing wrong with that, and not a molecule of truth in anything you say,” replied one of the constables.

  7. “He covered the outer wall of the prison with spray-painted obscenities! He shot the uncle of my second cousin’s father’s son-in-law! He released a young shark into my aquarium!

  8. “Oh, and I am getting claustrophobic in this tiny space.”

  9. “Let me guess: he was the one who broke the spigot on my hose!” cried the other constable mockingly.

  10. “Yes, of course. He is also responsible for the fires on the West Coast which forced so many people to evacuate.”

  11. “You need to get to the dispensary for medical attention. You are not mentally stable.”

  12. “He also released COVID-19, which I have so fiercely combated. He, and only he, is responsible for the quarantine.”

  13. “All right, we’ll put him under surveillance, if it makes you happy.”

  14. “We must raise up a phalanx of brave men to combat this great dragon of evil in our midst, for he lies to people about… what’s going on…” His Eminence looked confused.

  15. “You’re crazy,” said the policeman contemptuously.


  1. “He stole the automobile which I sequestered!

  2. It was a limousine, a very fine one.”

  3. “That is a blatant lie.”

  4. “He shot my cousin in the foot, and the wound turned gangrenous!”

  5. “He must be a master of sadism!”

  6. They then curtailed his ability to speak to them by closing the screen.

  7. “He has broken cardinal rules!” his Eminence yelled through the screen.

  8. “He probably caused the pustules I had as a boy,” said the lead cop sarcastically.

  9. “Absurd! However, he is an indefatigable crook!”

  10. “Yes, and he probably corroborated with Hitler to destroy the world.”

  11. “Yes, exactly! And Stalin as well. You ought to be shocked by his atrocious behavior!”

  12. “Why couldn’t he have caused my edema?”

  13. "Because you do not wear bifocals.

  14. “Oh, and he is against conscription.”

  15. “Nothing wrong with that, unless he dodges the draft on his own initiative.”


  1. Suddenly he lunged for the door, but one of the constables hit him in the torso, knocking him flat.

  2. His Eminence was half-carried by the constables past the sculptured horses, to the main office.

  3. “Must you hover over me like buzzards over carrion?” he asked indignantly.

  4. The masked man behind the desk turned versatility.

  5. “Actually, a buzzard is technically a hawk in the genus Buteo,” he said in an unmistakable undulating voice.

  6. His Eminence turned pale. “What?! It cannot be! It would violate police rules!!”

  7. “Let your fears be dispelled. It is I, Mr. Smyth.”

  8. “I—I rigorously condemn you for treason and evilness!”

  9. “Can you not discern a good man when you see one?”

  10. “You are no man, but a devil! What a predicament you will be in at Judgement Day!”

  11. He gestured and waved like an angry Italian using semaphore.

  12. “Mark my words: You will be lost in the cosmos because of your sins!”


  1. “You seem to have quite an aptitude for speaking your mind,” the furrier noted.

  2. “How ironic,” His Eminence replied. “You also are known for talking too much.”

  3. “Do not be distraught. We are only giving you what they call a nickel—that is, five years in prison.”

  4. “For what transgression am I being punished for?”

  5. “All of them,” the smaller constable quipped. “For murdering your maid,” said Mr. Smyth. “You gravitated toward killing her over the course of many years.”

  6. His Eminence chortled. “That, my dear sir, is most certainly false! I had never dreamed of killing anyone before she spoke rudely to me.”

  7. “Even so, your adherence to the law is wanting,” Smyth said solemnly.

  8. “In what palpable way?”

  9. “You will drive me distracted! Do you not know what you have done?”

  10. “Sir, I think we’ve had enough,” said the first policeman. “Let’s take him to the cooler, so he can be rehabilitated.”

  11. “I still cannot believe that I am being chastised for nothing!”

  12. Suddenly there was a loud bang and the room filled with smoke. The policemen, unable to navigate, ran into each other, falling to the floor.

  13. A hand grabbed that of His Eminence and led him though the smoke, into the hallway. Then His Eminence, in a petulant tone, asked the tall, dark man to whom the hand belonged, “How did the dummy work, eh Jack?”

  14. “I was apprehensive, but it worked just fine. It looks just like her.”

  15. Then through the tabulated doorway burst the furrier.


  1. Their exuberant enthusiasm vanished, and they turned and ran, with Smyth just behind them.

  2. Interdependent now, each relied on the other to lead him through the smoke now pouring into the hallway.

  3. They sprinted through a door and into an empty office, slamming the door behind them. “Luckily, I made the acquisition of this,” said Jack, pulling out a small pistol resembling a revolver, but with curious blue and white plastic details, making it look like something from Star Trek.

  4. “Don’t worry, it came into my possession scrupulously,” he added, then fired off a shot through the door, at which the gun flashed white and an explosion could be heard through the door, followed by a distinct rise in temperature.

  5. A voice could be heard in the hallway, saying something about how profound singed elbow hairs were.

  6. His Eminence picked up a 9mm Glock from the desk, and a gunfight ensured, invariably including a few near misses and splinters.

  7. Then Jack released two shots at an angle through the door, down the hall, and there was an explosion and a yelp.

  8. The two narrowly averted being hit by leaping away from the perforated door as a shotgun blast ripped through it.

  9. “My, I am glad we are not indolent!” chucked Jack before squeezing off another shot, this one through the wall, blasting a crater on the other side as the energy expanded.

  10. “We! Indolence is an attribute every human possesses, except of course myself!” retorted His Eminence.

  11. The crescendo of the gunfire had now been reached. Suddenly the entire door disappeared in a flash of light, and a mighty blast ripped apart everything within five feet of it, tearing Jack’s shirt.

  12. “There. They have paid for their infractions,” said a cold voice through the smoke.

  13. The two meticulously crawled through the wreckage, staying hidden behind the charred desk.

  14. The furrier could be seen in the hallway, standing tall, reveling in the prestige of having destroyed his enemies.

  15. The near-retroactive blast had left that section of the building in ruins, but Jack and His Eminence had been shielded by a section of wall.


  1. Suddenly Smyth started, realizing that the two had not been killed. He turned and was enraged to see them crawling through the bottom half of what used to be a window. With enormous strength, he picked up a twisted and charred alcove and flung it at Jack, who barely got out of the way in time, leaping from the foundation to the ground three feet below. His Eminence helped him up and the two ran for their lives.

  2. Thankful that they had been exempt from destruction, our heroes sprinted through the streets, calling for help.

  3. “His rage is a phenomenon which the world has not seen for a thousand years,” gasped His Eminence.

  4. “Indeed. We must find some means of conveyance!” Jack cried.

  5. “His plan—can it be transmitted?”

  6. “He has the technology, and we do not,” the young man moaned, as the two turned into an alley, bullets whistling behind them.

  7. “Do not get shot! You are an integral part of our plan, as well as his!”

  8. “I know, I know. The future of agriculture lies in me!”

  9. “The pain of talking to you is excruciating,” His Eminence retorted as they ran down a hidden staircase. “You know that is not what I meant.”

  10. “Still, I have some experience in commerce, do I not?” said Jack with a smile, dodging a kick from the baronet.

  11. “All obsolete. Tariffs are so important to our economy!”

  12. “You really want an argument, don’t you? My, this tunnel is frigid!”

  13. “That statement is not prohibited, at least not for now.”

  14. “The logistics of my agricultural plan are very complex and difficult to understand. I will be working on that,” stated Jack as their pursuers' footsteps could be heard.

  15. “I admonish you: no more talking!”

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